i AM scoundrel

Not mine.

One of the things that has been the most regretful in my life is that I never had kids.  At 44 I think I’m past the youthful Dad part but it’s always been a nagging ghost, milling about, rattling chains behind me.

I’ve been told I could adopt and while that’s true I think I’m past my prime.  I think that I’m mostly too old because I’ve been too selfish for so long that  being a parent would delve into my drinking time, and nobody keeps Scoundrel away from his “medicine”.

But at this time of the year, especially at Christmas (see holiday season) when you see the nieces and nephews playing and getting excited about the season.  Santa coming and all the packages with their names on them; and just the sheer elation is enough to make me pine for the loss of the child that never was.

It’s been said that I’d be a good Dad.  I’m not sure if that’s true but I have a feeling that I wouldn’t be so bad.  It’s not like I would lock my kids in a closet and tell them they were a mistake but I’m not sure, though, if that’s the barometer of being a good parent.

Maybe that’s where my love for my dogs comes into play.

Rufey Doof, Doofus, Monster - all of the above

When I lost Rufus, putting him down was the hardest thing I ever had to do – it was the right thing – but it was also the most difficult. People said I should get another one.  I couldn’t at that point.  Also, I couldn’t afford the energy and the time.

Working full time and going back to school, I thought it would be cruel to get a pet that needs attention. So the alternative was get a cat. Ummmm, no.  I’m not a cat person.  There’s a saying, “You own a dog, a cat owns you.”  I needed something that needed me.  I’m far too co-dependent for a cat.

So enter; Numa.  It’s been two and a half years since they stuck the needle in Rufus’ ankle.  I was there.  I saw it go in.  I held his head and knew he was dead when I felt the weight of his skull in my hand.  I’m telling you, there was more liquid coming out of me than an ’87 Chevy.  Every orifice that could leak did.

Cuddling with the Numes

My nose was a faucet, my eyes a sprinkler.

So these “pets” have become my children.  And I know it must seem creepy to those who don’t understand.  Who have kids and maybe the family pet but for those of us who don’t have kids, we look to our pets to greet us when we come home.  Hell, to even give us a reason to come home.

But they’re not our kids.  They never will be.  They will be a great, tremendous, substitute and you never have to worry about them borrowing the car but you, also won’t see them grow up, go to University, get married and become a Grandpa.

I see my beautiful Nieces and Nephews and I see the love dripping from their parents and it’s the same love I have for my dog.  And she’s a dog. Really, just a dog.

But that’s the thing.  Love doesn’t know something like species.

Posted in Family, Numa, Relationships, Rufus, T.F.O. (Thoughts | No Comments »

Yeah that pretty much sums up my life.

I don’t know what the joy and satisfaction I get from not doing “stuff” and then at the last minute yell at myself.

There must be some euphoria in waiting until the last possible minute and screaming at myself, “What the hell can’t I get this shit done earlier?”

NOT MY APARTMENT

Cleaning is first and foremost on the list followed by a close second laundry.  Now there have been people who’ve been messaging me saying things like, “love your blog but you could add more pictures.”  Honeychile, I is NOT going to be showing you a photo of the after-the-tornado-post-apocalyptic state of my apartment.  I don’t want people to see how I live.

Besides, I have a perfectly good reason WHY I procrastinate on cleaning.  I clean at work.  So there.  (Rationale #1 – out of the way)

Me pretending to study but thinking about anything but

Third is school work.  Yes that’s right, I’m a 44 year old student now (have been for the last two years) and I must tell you, doing homework SUCKS.  I just can’t get into it.  It’s high school all over again, only the students that are around me are young enough to be my children.

And let me say this without trying to sound all pedifillic-sicko-twisted -  Some of those guys are freakin’ HOT!

It’s not that I don’t want to have a clean apartment, dog-hair vacuumed on a regular basis, dishes consistently done and put away, freshly washed laundry that still is in the basket; I could go on and on with this by the way but I think you get the point.

I have papers strewn about on my kitchen counter which is fine because I don’t really cook.  I mean, I do but it’s usually open package-insert into microwave.

There are three hindrances to my getting things done.  1 is my boyfriend, two is my dog, and three is I’m just damned lazy.

Whether it be doing assignments the night before or shopping for Christmas at the last minute (SHIT!! CHRISTMAS!!!).  So to all you procrastinators, I hear you, I feel your pain.    Now get off your asses and read this blog!

Posted in Internet, Menz, Numa, Relationships, School, T.F.O. (Thoughts, Work | 8 Comments »

Research Beagles Go Outside for the First Time | Break.com.

Had to share this.  I cried like a baby.  It’s so beautiful.

Posted in Numa | No Comments »

Rufus

For those who know me, know that I loved my dog Rufus very much.  Painfully so, actually.  He felt more of a child than a pet.

So, two and a half years ago, when I had to put him down due to a tumor, well, suffice it to say; it was more painful than when my Mother died.

And I loved her very much.

But with that in mind, I’m happy to say I finally got the gumption and the where-with-all to “git muhself a new dawggie.”

Numa

Numa, kind of fell into my hands.

I was at work, a usual weekend when my friend, Cheryl, practically emotionally blackmailed me into adopting her:  And I am so, profoundly, grateful to her.

I love this mongrel, this mutt.

She was born and bred and Mexico.  I KNOW…Mexico, right?   What the hell is a Mexican mutt doing in Canada?

Well it’s this underground railway but above boards and with full passports and shots that has brought her to me.

And I couldn’t be more happier.

I was hell bent on a male dog and a puppy and, at my age of 44 years of age, I couldn’t be any happier. That she’s nothing of what I thought I wanted but, as Cheryl pointed out….what I needed.

This, girl, well I suppose in dog years she’s a full-fledged Woman; a mid-aged feminist who believes in the right to choose (as do I), alas, a girl, no.

Well at least, now, I’ve found love again.  The co-dependency of a relationship that might be somewhat unbalanced but is honest and true, and it’s one that I’m
grateful for.

Posted in Family, Numa, Relationships, T.F.O. (Thoughts | 4 Comments »